I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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