I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I am one with the molecules
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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