I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's never too late to be topless.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
