we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She bit a glass in half.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
