mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
