This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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