so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.