I puked a lego.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF