At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
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When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my god I love twenty year old dicks