Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
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You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
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Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you