$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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