No awkward lesbian experiences without me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
