Plan B is the new Plan A
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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