The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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