Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
