Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
