hell yes lets make some ravioli
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
