Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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