you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
