my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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