And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
