I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
