Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
