She's JV to your varsity
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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