I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
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You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
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Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You did what with his pubic hair?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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