one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
