She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
