I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
