You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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