your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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