A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
