someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
