I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i will never coherently bang her
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
