Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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