Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
