I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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