I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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