you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
