I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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