I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
