I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
