Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
