last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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