Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
