His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.