Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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