Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.