his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
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Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
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Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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