If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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