i think my tv is drunk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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