The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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