I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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