Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your signature on my underwear?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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