I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
