i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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