I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
