i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
FUCK WHALES
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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