Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
