you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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