It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
