At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
